You are Worthy of Satisfying Relationships
In our quest to build a life of worth, we work hard to construct an internal center of self-regulation, self-confidence, and self-determination. Within this space, we listen to our renewed hearts and spirits, and heed the call of Carl Jung: I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.
Given this revival of hope, our quest moves on towards an engagement and a re-engagement with the world around us. We seek interdependence with a fuzzy logic of what to do.
Seeking such, here are some strategies for seeking out friendships and other relationships.
Orientation to Friendship
Friendship need not be measured in hours; it can be measured in the creation, maintenance, and expansion of a loving foundation of shared thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
We must seek out ways to build this foundation.
Consider your worthiness to be a part of the foundation and receive connection as well as your interest in creating the foundation for others. You are someone of worth, someone of value, someone who cares. Those words may sound new and the knowledge may be familiar.
As we move the definition of friendship away from the accrual of time, every moment becomes available to create the loving foundation of positive relationships.
How Can You Learn to Self-Disclose Selectively?
Organizing your own experience to share with others can be tricky, especially when you have been through a lot of intense experiences.
A Goldie-lox balance is necessary which includes the importance of learning what and when to disclose.
First, we need to differentiate between being secret and being private.
- Private is something that is nonpublic, personal, and one’s own.
- Secret is something not to be disclosed, covert, hush hush, and sneaky.
- Keeping secrets can lead to deviant behavior, especially if your secrets drive your behavior.
- Keeping private instances to yourself can help you discover how you want to sequence your interaction with others to be close.
Catalog your less-shareable stories into these two categories. Then learn to disclose selectively
Information and Friendship
In seeking friendship, we are looking to disclose information selectively to create a capacity for an ongoing relationship where we feel understood. Think of making your first impression. You probably don’t need to tell your entire life story to make the meeting successful. Consider why you would choose to tell your deepest darkest secrets? Would they promote liking and self-liking behavior? The fear of discussing negative experiences can cause people to be selective in what is said. The goals for connection can help determine how and what to say.
As the friendship continues to develop, consider the function of what is not being said. What does it do for the relationship? A secret may have more impact and perhaps more negative impact than something private. When the information becomes part of the relationship, can the information, its lack of prior disclosure, and the way of disclosure be radically accepted so that the relationship can continue to move forward? What is the role of surprise for this information? Can the answer to these questions become something to enhance the relationship and/or the parties individually?
You are not required to disclose your entire life. You are responsible for treating yourself and the other person with decency while using skills to improve outcomes for yourself and the other person. You are responsible for disclosing in a manner that preserves your wisdom, your honor, and your self-respect.
Proceeding Mindfully with Relationships as We Process Our Own Narrative and Our Own Problems
In the play/movie Rent, the characters state “I should tell you I’ve got baggage.” and “I’ve got baggage too”. How true. How true. I have baggage; what about you? … We all have baggage. The fear that disclosure would negate love and negate the perception of being deserved of love makes it troubling to begin to connect. Troubling yes and also ineffective for moving deeper in the relationship. Our fear of disclosure may lead to unjustified shame. The shame might be owned by those who have harmed us that may have been placed upon us like sticky tar. What to do? Radical acceptance of our situation, our actions, and our being can lessen shame and open us for engagement. We can see our relationship unfolding with dance-like choreography. For instance, in Chapter 21 of The Little Prince, the fox and the Little Prince actively choose to construct a relationship with rites and responsibilities. They learn to tame each other, and construct a framework of expanding connection. They develop rules of their connection, which form the foundation for their ongoing friendship.
Within the context of these relationships, as I have said, friendship need not be measured in hours; it can be measured in the creation, maintenance, and expansion of a loving foundation of shared thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Most relationships have an element of discovery that includes the process of sharing – a revelation of some sorts, either from what was unpacked from the past, what can be illuminated from the present, and how dreams of the future can move to goals that can be achieved.
While our past experience may inform thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, we can choose to become a person desiring, deserved of, and capable of giving and receiving loving kindness. This choice of harnessing our past in the service of our becoming improves our capacity to be a part of humanity.
You are worth it.
We as meaning-makers, contextualized constructors, and hopeful warriors deserve to enjoy people as they and we mature. If we can consider that we are all worthy of love and joy, our availability and capacity to reap the benefits of social interaction increase.
Qualities like shyness can become functions of past states of mind and moments of time that no longer need to occupy our present. These isolating scripts become less and less relevant as we settle into the traits and values we have that reside in our core.
We can use all of our faculties to help ourselves and others build a meaningful, peaceful environment in which to celebrate humanity.
Going Forth With What I've Got
MG Mandelbaum, PhD
As a child, I made investments in myself that were protective factors that led to my survival.
I reap the benefits of these investments as a person in my adult self.
With mindfulness, I can see the value of these investments and choose how to utilize the profits for today and tomorrow.
My motivation can be tied to my perception of my own worth. The perception of worth is tied to my recognition of my sense of being and the record of my actions.
I have been successful with both in many ways even if I don’t feel that way.
I can improve this perception by understanding how my knowledge, skills, and abilities brought me to this day with intention.
This knowledge, these skills, and these abilities came to me at a very high cost. And they are mine. They are mine. This is me and they are mine. They can now be adapted to meet the needs of this present moment.
Now, I adapt to meet the needs of this present moment.
I presently adapt to this moment.
I am present. Here I am.
